So its been a few weeks since I broke up with my bf of 5 years. A lot of people were really surprise that I did that and many ask me if I'll get back with him. I say no and here is why.

First, some background info on my bf and I. He is Korean and I am a Filippina. We didn't break up because of the culture difference, that never stopped or bothered us. We have been together for 5 years, since the last month of our senior year in high school. In the first three years of our relationship everything was fine and lovely but the last two years I've been feeling left out, pushed away and ignored, mostly these last few months or the begging of the year (2011). We didn't even celebrate our 5 year anniversary. I would call and text him but don't get a reply. I don't see him for weeks on end and he doesn't make an effort to make contact with me. I would be the one that goes to his house to see him and doesn't even appreciate it. We have a phone with a front facing camera, which he said we should get so that we can video chat, but he doesn't even use it. We barely saw each other. But the last string for me was on the day that I decided to take a break.

I went to his house after not seeing or hearing from him for a week and a half. I get to his house and first thing he ask me is "What are you doing here?" I tell him that I missed him and wanted to see him, he just shrugs it off like it was no big deal or he didn't care. Next thing that happened was we were laying on his bed (nothing happened, we were just laying on the bed) talking catching up on what's been going on with us. While this is happening I'm trying to feel some love and comfort from him by trying to put his arms around me but he just kept pulling away. After I tell him what's been going on with me he starts criticizing me on what I've been doing. That just upset me so I get up, leave the room, grab my keys from the other room and about to walk out the door when I realize I left my cell phone in his room. At this point I should have just left the cell phone there and just left the house, but no, I go back into the room grab the cell phone and just when I'm about to walk out the door he is blocking my exit and pulls me into a hug and says sorry. In my head I'm thinking "Just end it. Obviously he doesn't want you anymore that's why he's been acting this way." But do I do it? No. Instead I forgive him and then he starts getting ready for school. While he is getting ready I think should I just end it now, should I just leave without a word, should I leave and leave his keys in the key slot on the door (I had a copy of his house key), or should I just wait til he finishes taking a shower and tell him? I waited. I gave him back the key and ended it. He walked me out, but before I went to my car I hugged him one last time but he didn't hug me back and that really crushed me. I wanted to feel him care for me one last time but he didn't.

Before I fully ended the relationship I asked for a break, a time out of the relationship just to breath and think about things. But as I was thinking what to do and where I wanted to go with this break up and relationship I thought "When this break is over will he push me away again in the future?" And "Do I want to take that chance?" My answer: NO!

On the day that I ended it fully (one week after I asked for a break) I text him that morning and asked if I can see him to talk. He said he had to go to work that day but if I can see him before he left for work than it would be fine. So I saw him before he went to work. I wasn't sure if I should have started with the box of things or if I should have just said I wanted to end the relationship fully. I decided to talk to him first and then give the box of things, but afterwards I realized it would have been easier and faster if I gave the box first. It was heartbreaking to see his face when I told him I wanted to end the relationship once and for all. Even more when I gave him back the ring (not engagement ring, but a couple's ring). What really tore my heart and made me feel like a total bitch was when I gave him the box. At first he was laughing at the fact that it was a box of things that I was giving him, but when he opened the box that was the worst. First thing he saw was his thick green jacket that he let me borrow and when he lifted it to see what else was in the box tears just fell from his eyes and sadness over took him. He didn't want to take the box and asked me if he can just take the jacket. I told him no and that he had to take the whole box. It was so heartbreaking. Those things in the box are the things that are the most meaningful in our relationship and I was just giving them back to him like an evil person. But he took the box and I just drove away. Again no hug. But I got worried that day to because he had to go to work and I just broke up with him and he has to drive. It's hard to drive with tears in your eyes, and with his speeding on the freeway just scared me and made me regret (just a little) breaking up with him that day.

What sucks most about this break up is that even though i decided that we should break up he still wants to be friends. I want to be friends with him too but I can't do that right away. Not right now. I need time and space, which should be easy because we already don't see each other. But it's not easy because he texts me more than when we were together. And it angers me!! Why is he doing this to me? I feel like he cares more now that we are "just friends". I been meaning to change my number and not tell him that I got a new number that way I can have the space that I need to forget my feelings for him but that just sounds mean. What do you guys think, should I change my number without telling him?

I hate the fact that I worry so much about him. One, because he is a reckless driver, speeding and cutting people off on the freeway and local street. One of these days I feel like he's going to get into an accident. Two, because he has a motorcycle and I know that he speeds on that thing. Three, because I know he is stressed out from work and school, mostly work. He goes home pretty late, sometimes he doesn't even go home, and wakes up early in the morning. Four, he gets sick easily from the cold weather and other people and he doesn't like to take medicine. Five, because I know he can work all day with out eating anything. I pass by his house every week just to see if he got home ok. But mostly to see if I can get a glance of him.

People ask me if he were to show up one day and ask me to come back to him what would I say. I tell them no. Then they ask what if he chased me around and begged and stuff would I go back to him. My answer: he didn't chase after me when I left after I ended it what makes you think he'll chase after me now? He didn't hold me when I told him goodbye. Maybe if he did that maybe I wouldn't have ended the relationship. Maybe I would have considered getting back together with him. But right now I don't want to and I don't know about in the future. My heart is really set on not getting back with him. Even though it hurts when I think about him and when I see or hear things that remind me of him and our time together. Maybe a part of me just want to feel him hold me one last time before I can fully move on. Just to hear him say "I love you" one last time and make me feel wanted, protected in his arms, cared for with his kiss. 

I don't blame him for the break up. I know that it sounds like I'm blaming him for the break up but I'm not. I knew that he loved me that's why he was treating me that way but I just wanted more. I guest in a way we are both to blame. Him for not giving me the attention I craved and me for not having patience.

I'm thinking about calling or texting him one of these days and ask him if we can meet up, I want to ask him if he still has feelings for me.

Should I do it? Should I tell him how I feel? What would you have done in my situation? Would you have ended a long term relationship? Would you give him another chance?